I’m surprised how easy it was to slip into channeling disgust, anger and violence. Once I started going I gathered momentum. Verbally voicing disgust and anger, also through body language. Disapproving looks, staring. Telling the toy to shut up and stop chatting shit. Seeing the toy quiet and uncomfortable. That did something for me.
Violence… heart beat racing… feeling alive… enjoying the suffering. I could barely sleep from the adrenaline rush coursing through my veins. I wonder if the after effects of this can be directed into something productive in the future.
I wonder how different I looked and behaved compared to my “normal self”. The self I have curated over many year, the more socially acceptable self. Not my true self. The deconditioning has begun. At some point I’ll have to revise my world to accept the raw unfiltered version of me the majority of the time. Minimal suppression. I’ll be happier when I can be myself once again.
I’ve been wondering today whether I’m immoral or amoral.
Firstly, what is “right” or “wrong”. Who decides that? I don’t believe I am immoral, I don’t consider myself evil or partaking in wrong doing. Although I logically know what is generally considered “acceptable” in mainstream society, others could apply the label of “immoral” to me if they don’t understand what is happening between consenting parties.
Amoral seems more aligned… I’m choosing to do what I’m doing and I’m indifferent about it. It just is what it is. I don’t feel bad about any of it.